Aphantasia and memory

May 17, 20211 min readByChristopher Cedano

My memories are almost nonexistent, as I can not relive experiences or see anything from the past, therefore rely on just facts. But I also struggle to retain these facts, making me feel like I have no memories at all. I want to able to be in the future and look at what I have accomplished and who I was friends with. But because of my Aphantasia, I feel like I am less able (memory-wise). Although I am sad that I can not relive past experiences, I am also a tiny bit grateful. I've been in car crashes, have had a dog died plus many other situations, and because of my Aphantasia and memory I don't feel grief or sadness after the experience, I only experience emotions at the moment. I feel like having Aphantasia is hindering my state of mind because I can not look back at my happy moments in life or the best friends I had as a child. At times I feel empty or emotionless living in just the present. I wonder if I am alone or if this is the general consensus of people with Aphantasia. Any input is appreciated.

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Rocco Van den berg•recently

Hi there. You are not alone. I have been going through the same Rollercoaster the last 16 years. I feel sad that I don't remember happy moments with my friends and family and feel an outsider when people relive a good experience. I don't have had many negative experiences so my lack of memory doesn't really bring me anything good. But over time I tried to worry less and enjoy the moment more.. Bu even though I try it still hurts me... On the other hand.. I always thought I had a early form of Alzheimer... Aphantasia seems a better problem than that.. So in a way I am a. Bit relieved 😌 Thank you for sharing

Caroline A•recently

I'm the exact same way and after realising I do feel a bit empty and that I'm missing out on a crucial human experience of looking back on memories and feeling my past emotions. However like Nicole said I think it's probably better to focus on the present and not think too negatively about this. I find that having pictures to remind me of people, places and days really helps me though.

Suzanne Stock•recently

I do not have many memories of past times. I "remember" some events from childhood if we have photos, but I only have a few scattered memories otherwise and these are not visual memories. I cannot picture my mother's face or my children's faces or remember what they looked like as babies or little children. I don't feel empty or emotionless, but I do live in the present. I don't plan ahead much, and maybe that is related to not being able to visualize. I do not like to rearrange furniture or change much about my home. I think that is also related to not being able to picture what it would look like if I moved things around or painted a different color.

Christopher Cedano•recently

Yes, I feel very much like you, instead of memories, I remember. I also don't plan ahead and live in the now. Am just afraid of how different I am to everyone around me who has memories that work almost as if it's magic. I wish I had even somewhat of the ability to view the past (with images), but I guess this is how our brain functions. Thank you for your input, much appreciated.

Nicole M•recently

I kind of understand what you mean, my memories are very vague, and sometimes I wonder if the parts that are detailed are remembered as a story I've told rather than an event that happened which calls their accuracy into question. Sometimes, like you, I'm glad I forget things easily as it makes coping and moving on from negative experiences easier, but at the loss of happy memories I'm not sure if it's a fair trade. I've started keeping a journal, not of daily events, but anything particular that I want to remember, I put as much detail as I need in, sometimes I write out approximations of whole conversations, or write the whole thing out like a story or fairy tale, and that helps me since I might not remember it myself but I can get a ghost of the emotion from reading about it. I also focus on the emotional aspect of what memories I do hold, so I might not remember what exactly made me so happy last week but I remember that I was that happy. Kind of tying into that is learning to appreciate the moment. I'm always putting aside a new tea, or saving a meme, or writing down something I want to tell my friends, because having that little token to remind me I'll see them again soon lets me anticipate seeing them again. I never let myself regret that I won't remember what's happening now, because joy may be ephemeral but that's no reason to look down on it. Everything is temporary to us. I get to admire the trees anew every day because to me they might as well be a different set of trees, I never have to be bored by the scenery from my train since it might be familiar but I don't get to see it except for in that moment. In the other direction I know difficult moments will soon be distant memory, no one can yell forever, disasters must relax after a while, things return to normal, these moments only enhance the excitement of seeing friends, or the beauty of the sun setting as I make my way home. I keep a seperate log of things I need to remember, health problems or customers who might be trouble later, I don't read that unless I have to. Sometimes it's difficult, there's a lot of things I wish I remembered from my childhood, or even just last year, but once you train yourself out of looking for long-term detailed memories and focus on enjoying the moment it's a lot easier. That said, it could also de a symptom of depression, which some people certainly feel upon delving into their aphantasia. Either way I hope this has helped a little bit and given you a few ideas? Accepting the fleeting nature of all emotion and experience is difficult but I found it rewarding.

Christopher Cedano•recently

Yes, this has helped a lot. Am glad that I am not alone feeling like this. I have been feeling depressed but for seemingly no reason, so maybe it is connected, am not sure. When something grand happens or when I want to remember it in my future, I will definitely journal it so I don't forget how I was feeling. Thank you so much for your input :), I was worried no one would respond!

Christopher Cedano•recently

I am curious as well if I have a memory deficit in combination with aphantasia.

RD Valdes-Dapena•recently

Reading posts on this site it is clear that the manifestations of aphantasia vary quite a bit from person to person, but my own sense of memory seems quite similar to yours. About thirty years ago I became keenly aware of a sense that my life was disappearing behind me. I could recall the handful of major milestones in my life, though only in a descriptive sense, but that was it. So I began to make a point of bringing along a point-and-shoot camera (no smart phones, or even digital cameras, back then) whenever I did anything I thought I would want to remember. I would put the photos into a scrapbook. After decades of this practice I have a bookcase full of scrapbooks. I only occasionally go though any of them, but it comforts me just knowing they are there. They are in effect my external memory.