CPTSD and Aphantasia

I just found out that I have aphantasia and I've been so happy and also very excited to tell anyone that I can't make mental images in my head but everyone is asleep. So I am wide awake thinking and decided I'd share a little bit. I have had PTSD since 3 due to a trauma I cannot recall. It got worse with age as I survived multiple other traumas. But I could never explain how I felt.... I would try and I am now also diagnosed with Bipolar 1 and severe psychosis and anxiety. I take medication daily for everything but always struggled to explain how my mind processed events. Instead of flashbacks, I would feel the sensations and emotions of the trauma but never see images unless they were very harmful moments. Then I'd see a little more than I think is possible for me. When I try to imagine anything, all I see is darkness. Like a TV that won't turn on but you know is on and has to be on because I can hear myself think and I can feel sensations and thoughts constantly but no visuals. I do dream but when I do, they are usually nightmares. Which used to be completely trauma based but have now almost gone away with my medicine and cannabis I take daily for the PTSD. It has been so hard to think and STOP thinking that I occasionally (ok, I lied. Everyday!) I will wonder "what is off in me? What can I do to be happier?" And the truth I feel is, nothing. I can't magically not have PTSD but knowing that what I feel is not something out of the ordinary has brought me some peace. I now have more questions but more than anything, I am really glad to have a space to ask if maybe anyone else would like to share their experiences with PTSD (or CPTSD) and aphantasia? What has it been like for you?

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WinchesterWolf•recently

Hello Nancy,This post could be a description of me with some variations. I too have PTSD, OCD, with some major depression, and anxiety I have been mind "blind" since birth, (it would appear at least). The only time I could ever "see" anything in my mind was when I was asleep. But, Like you said all those dreams that I remmeber having or reacting too were nightmares. Obvisouly, these nightmares got worse and more persistant over the years and especially after the PTSD Fourtunately a built in defense/blessing of this mind blindness (for me) is that even the worst nightmare/experience is gone, mostly completely when I wake up.I am completly blind in my mind. I have no concious memory or senory recall or recreation ability. No images, sounds, smells, sensations, or taste when I am awake unless I am experiencing them in the moment. Very much like you, it was not until I began using marijuana and other medications daily, along with some TMS theorpy that these nightmares stopped. Or at least have been held back. I have found that I can not use memories as support, (emotional/psychological) and can not use imagination for hope/inspiration. Because of this my mentality, emotions, and worldview are based on what I have or am expericneing; or what is the most likely course of events based on the information I have. I cant imagaine a better world and cant remmeber a better time, I am "trapped" in the present and in my experiences and the only way out is to do something/anything different. I honestly didnt realize how different or "off" I was until I was an adult. I was probably 33 before I realized Aphanasia was a thing that absolutly applied to me. This was after my mental health acceptance and diagnosis. I just assumed that people were making it up or were speaking in kind of metaphors when they talked about imagaining something. Obviously I was very wrong and absolutey laugh at myself for it. I admit, when I learned I was completly "blind", due to Aphantasia , for a while I was bitter and felt cheated. I no longer feel this way and view my "blindness" as a complete blessing and slight advantage above "normal" people. At one point in my life I was a sheriff's deputy/supervisor for the patrol division at that agency. Admittly, I did not know why at the time but this "void" of senory imput in my head allowed me to be as unbiased and fair as I could. Because of the way my brain works, I was able to compartmentalize anything, while at the same time limiting my emotional and psychological biases or predisposions regarding the person or incident. I have come to notice and cherish this ability/superpower that allows me, with concious effort, to remove my biases, ignore stereotypes, and truly empathize with people in most interaction. And amazing as that is, that is not the best part as far as im concerned! I have noticed through a little retrospect and hindsight that OUR greatest superpower is our ability to removed/ignore biases or predispostion and truly change or adapt as we go. Far superior to "normal" people, (JKing), is out ability to change, to grow and ultimately, I would hope, become better. Becuase without emotions to connect us to the past, to our biases and stereotypes; we can shed those bad or negative aspects about ourselves with concious effort at will. By no means am I saying its easy or without some negatives. However, as far as I am concerned, even with all the cons regarding Aphantasia, it is and has been a blessing for my life.